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Roommate ≠ Companion

“Out of bed…it’s 6:31!” If this was you talking great. If it’s still you not so great.  Looking after your companion was all nice and good on the mission. Complete obedience was tied to your success as a missionary. You were saving souls and your companion’s actions were directly tied to your unity. Suddenly you wake up and the white handbook no longer applies.

The thing is, your roommate is, well….your roommate. You don’t read the missionary handbook with him every morning at 8:00. Instead of discussing what you learned during personal study, the topic of conversation will likely drift to subjects such as sports and dating. As far as you’re concerned, if you don’t want to kill each other, good enough. 

Do your own dishes, go to school, be friendly, and mind your own business. You’re no longer attached at the hip to somebody. Enjoy the independence.

Buying New Clothes: A Beginner's Guide to Avoiding the Vultures

You're fresh off the mission. So fresh you're still looking over your shoulder for your comp. You're vulnerable and people know it.  

Unfortunately, there are the unscrupulous who will try to take advantage of you.      

Right now someone close to you, a family member, or maybe a friend is hovering over you in your weakened state.  

The Language of Love

After hours of frustration and humiliation, you finally learned to roll your tongue, make that clicking noise, and generally be understood in a foreign language. Bravo, as the French might say.  

Understandably you don’t want to lose your skills.  That is why you take every opportunity to speak with natives. If you don't go overboard most foreign speakers love it. Just remember not to mix linguistics and love. Let me explain.      

You may have met a nice someone that speaks your mission language. Cue up the light bulb above your head. Your'e thinking, perfect date, "I get to speak Spanish, and they get to go on a date with me."

Good idea? Probably not.  Be honest and ask yourself these simple questions:  

The Eyes of the World Were Upon You

Have you seen one of those paintings where the eyes follow you everywhere you go?  If so, you know what its like to be a missionary.  Everywhere you went you had a hundred eyes glued to you.  Sure they wouldn’t make eye contact but they were looking, and their gazes were a reassuring warm blanket.  And all the while your inner-psyche was singing “one two three, eyes on me.” 

So your home now and your feeling cold and lonely and then you realize it is because nobody is looking.  You are the invisible man/woman.  Cheer up, the life of anonymity has its perks. 

Mission Stories

There is an unwritten rule about all the cool stories you've accumulated during your mission. For the most part, this rule is unspoken and understood by RMs. But for you math geeks, we'll quantify. Take the number of weeks you are removed from your mission. Place that number in the denominator of a fraction in which the numerator is "1." This is the maximum amount of your conversation that should consist of missionary experiences. Good luck!

Asking a Girl Out

Open your mouth, testify, invite—like every good missionary, you learned how to do it. By month 13, you were getting bold. By month 23, you were walking into the local synagogue, grabbing the Torah, and teaching Leviticus.

But with women, boldness alone don’t cut it.

You’re gonna need tact, touch and tenacity. Most of all, you’re gonna need empathy. Because no two women are alike. And, therefore, there’s no one proven method for asking them out.

Home Already!

This is a warning for those fresh off the plane.   

It began innocently enough.  Your second day home your outside mowing the lawn, your next door neighbor stops to say hello.  

He says: “Hi!  It is so good to see you!”  Followed by: “Wow, I can’t believe it has been two years, it seems like you just left.”   

You do some quick mental math and come to the conclusion, no its been two years or eighteen months, as the case may be.  So you shrug it off and think, “no big deal he’s just a neighbor and apparently he has no concept of time.” 

Leftover Accent

Dey know jwen you are feking eet.

A leftover accent is a mark of pride—it shows that you SYL’d and immersed yourself in the local experience. After a few days back, it will be reduced to a couple bizarre-sounding vowels, and within a week or so, it should be gone entirely (though it may take months to lose inane transliterations like, “I assisted church today.”)

If your accent is still around after a couple weeks, beware: you may have developed a “haccent.” The psychology of the haccent is similar to that of the Foreign Flag Shirt. A RM with excess attachment to his/her mission may take on a fake accent in a subconscious effort to impress others.

Do I Put it on the Resume?

PLEASE VISIT THE NEW SITE CONTAINING AN UPDATED VERSION OF THIS ARTICLE: http://thermtc.com/2011/01/returned-missionary-resume/

Congratulations—you just completed one of the best career prep courses on the planet. You learned to make goals, keep a schedule, prioritize, and manage resources and people. You can’t get that kind of training at the Airport Hilton.

So it should go on your resume, right? Depends.

1. Does this employer know anything about LDS missionaries (other than the fact that they tend to knock on her door during Gossip Girl)?
2. Does your LDS mission experience relate directly to the job you are being asked to do?
3. Does your employer even like Mormons?

You may find that your best chance to talk about your mission experience is not on the resume, but during the interview. Then, you’ll have time to explain how your experience in Bolivia can help their googi berry juice pyramid scheme.

The Moral Hazards of Renting a Date for Your Mission Reunion

Scarcely after you finish unpacking your mildewy suitcase and distributing the last of the stuffed llamas, crèche displays, flags, and other souvenirs, you receive a message in your re-activated Facebook and e-mail accounts notifying you of a mission reunion.

“Wow” you say “I really miss my fellow laborers its been like three weeks.” But subconsciously you know you’re not that exited to see Sister/Elder Jones. In reality your excited because Sister/Elder Jones are the only people that won’t have to stop for a few seconds to remember your name. That aside, let’s assume you venture into this murky, Twilight Zone.

Inception

If you hear the word inception and think “the establishment or starting point of an institution or activity,” congrats you have a wonderful vocabulary and you must have been serving faithfully during the summer of 2010.

What I need you to think instead is, Inception = movie. So here is your homework: watch the movie Inception. There is no free pass on this one just get it done. Inception will be a topic of conversation, especially in Mormon circles for years to come. http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/inception/

We all know that Mormons love dreams, (how could we not, 2 pages into the Book of Mormon Lehi is already dreaming) and Inception is about dreams. I think Inception will resonate with RMs since they just spent the last couple of years living in a dream like state. The other major theme in Inception is the process of introducing people to new ideas and then making sure those ideas catch hold. If you can’t relate to that as an RM, well then, you were dreaming during your mission.

Okay, go do your homework and yes you can make it a date.

Dating and Revelation

HIM: “Hi, I’m Norby, formerly Elder Norbert of the Mexico City, Mexico Mission. I have received indisputable revelation that you are to be my wife.”

HER: I know I have some mace in here somewhere…”

This is a touchy subject. And one that is most easily understood through the lens of stewardship. On your mission, you learned that the Lord gives us spiritual guidance for things within our stewardship. As a district leader, you could receive revelation to help your district. As a zone leader, you could receive revelation to help your zone.

The Foreign Flag Shirt

“I just spent 2 years eating raw wild boar liver and living under a dirt pile in the Republic of Filipogonogo. Shouldn’t people know about this?”

This thought process inevitably leads to the purchase of the foreign flag shirt (FFS), a white t-shirt with the flag of the RM’s former home spread hugely across the front.

Here’s what the FFS says about you:

1. I want to talk to random weird dudes about the country I visited.

2. I enjoy wearing unattractive t-shirts.

3. I am working on a degree in cultural studies about the country represented on my unattractive t-shirt.

Either way, you’re gonna find that the FFS is a weirdo magnet. If you’re trying to attract eligible members of the opposite sex, wear something with style.

NOTE: Some researchers claim that the FFS is actually a security-blanket-like extension of the white missionary shirt. If this sounds like you, remove the FFS immediately, let go of your Mommy’s hand and go swimming.